Kyssa's Thought

Speaking on behalf of one of my alter-egos, Kyssa (Gaia):

It's funny how somehow you're in a situation where you're so torn, you just don't know what you want anymore. Everyday you're just going through an inner turmoil where you are at war with yourself. Your heart tells you another thing and your brain tries to influence you with another. This is just so weird. You just don't want to do it for the fear of failing, rejection and yet if you don't do it, you'll never know the answer, FOR LIFE!! I hate it how you're so stuck and you just go on living in denial. Am I living in denial, yes.. have always been.

I had missed so many opportunities, so many stuff just because of one bloody word, FEAR! Guess I've just said goodbye to one already. The risk of putting myself in an open field where I'm just one easy target. And I just got shot dead, by telling him what I want a guy to do. And dammit, he just did nothing. Sad but oh well, life's just gotta go on. Guess I've finally got my answer all this years. I don't want to wait for you anymore. Almost on the verge of forgeting you but you just had to appear out of nowhere. Revoking the memories of you in me. Why!?

I feel so tired. Why is it that I have to put on a mask every time I see you. Why is it that every time we see each other, you’ll be playing this mind tricks with me. Can’t you see, can’t you see that I do feel for you. Why is it that you trapped me in your stupid games? Why is it that I still fall for it knowing it’s a trap. Why is it that you break my heart time after time but I still forgive you? Why is it that you break your promise time after time yet I still forgive you? Why is it when I need you, you’re never there? Why is it that I always think of you when I know I could never have you. Why is it that you torture me so with just your simple doings. Why is it that you can’t leave me alone? Why is it that I love to hear those words you say? Why is it that with those same words, it also makes me ache? Why is it that I so willingly do everything you ask me to? Why am I so stupid to even begin with? Why is it that I’m so afraid to say what I truly feel? Why is it even so hard to say it out? Why is it that you are giving me these illusions; I love them but in reality they are not even there? Why is it that I’m still waiting even though I know that you will never come? Why is it that you do not know of this? Why is it that you will never know?
Don’t make me hate you. Don’t make me miss you. Don’t make me love you. Don’t make me think of you. Don’t make me suffer. Don’t make me cry. Don’t make me beg you.
Please, don’t make me hate myself for loving you.